We Hardly Knew Ya

Hey Craig Bellamy - fuck you.

I didn't mind your signing. I really didn't. You were somewhat proven as a goal-scorer in the Premiership. You came cheap. You seemed like you wanted to clean up your act, put your head down, and score goals. You even trotted out the tried and true "I was a boyhood Reds fan" like we seem to require of all our new signings. But then you took a golf club to the shin of one of your teammates.

Well, it was long over before that incident, as you were clearly not Liverpool quality, but that was the proverbial straw, bringing our badge into disrepute and embarrassing everyone involved with the club. Your likeness, both in the number of branches you hit on the plummet down the ugly tree, as well as your embarrassingly aggro behavior, bears an uncanny resemblance to Biff from Back to the Future. You're like a slightly more charming Joey Barton. You're a guy no one in their right mind would ever want dating his sister, famous footballer or not. In fact, I'd set your date rape over/under to 10.5 (-160). In short, you're that bully in grade school who wasn't cool, wasn't smart, and took it out on everyone else because you have a small, shriveled cock.

Today we will play your perennially-borderline-relegation side at the most historic stadium in England. A place you used to call home. A place where you were raised the linesman's offside flag like Mazda Miatas raise suspicions about one's sexual preference.

We're not looking for three points today - we're looking for padding our goal differential. It's really a shame John Arne Riise isn't on our squad anymore, if for nothing else than it would be a good chance for him to kick you all match long. That is, of course, if you get off the bench today.

Cheers, Craig.

I had a woefully inadequate amount of Thanksgiving leftovers this weekend. After smoking two turkeys, no less. But with no microwave to heat them up, what good are leftovers anyway?

Monday Night Football for our Reds. Always a bit strange when we've got a noon kick-off, local time, as opposed to the much more frequent 11:45am weekday Champions League times. When was our last league fixture on a weekday?

But I digress. It's Hammers time and we've got them at home, where they haven't beaten us since 1963. Let's not change that today. Of course, the big news from the weekend is that Chelsea suffered a loss to l'Arse, at home, and gives us the chance to move three points clear. I don't have to explain to you why these three points are absolutely crucial.

We haven't really played good football in awhile and hopefully that changes today. With a little extra rest and some added fire knowing our title rivals dropped points, I expect it to. Robbie needs to come good today and put in a goal or two. Stevie and Kuyt have carried us this season; it's about time our 20M-pound striker pulls his weight. And I don't mean working hard and setting up goals - I mean finishing those gilt-edged and not-so-gilt-edged chances. I'm sick of seeing him trying to be too cute and finishing goals ever-so-cleverly. Hit the back of the net, son, and play with some confidence. Our players are looking to him for leadership, and while he's been a great teammate thus far and has created chances, we need a goal-scorer while Torres rehabs.

Hammers can give us a right good scare if we let them stay in the game, but an early goal will kill the game off. Di Michele is a tricky player that scores some great goals and Bellamy has pace in spades. Behrami is a player I really like (and actually wanted us to sign in the summer).

I would like to see N'Gog get some time up top because he seems like a no-nonsense player who takes his chances. Or at least tries to. That seems to be what Robbie needs, because he will no doubt try and create the "perfect goal" with eight too many touches in the box and I want someone who will strike the ball like he's got a pair. The young Frenchman seems to have that. N'Gog is the most like-for-like striker, in comparison to Torres, and while he's obviously raw, I think he needs some blooding. If he can't make an impact, yank him at the 60th and move Dirk up top.

Dossena in for the injured Aurelio. I don't know which is more amazing - the fact that an Italian international, who had a great year in Serie A last season, is relegated to the bench in favor of Fabio Aurelio, or the fact that our Brazilian left back made it through an astounding four (?) games without injury. Story of this guy's career, so let's hope Dossena can remember that he's a defender, who is at least partially responsible for defending, and that he should kick the ball out when he's deep in our defensive third. As opposed to, you know, letting them get in a cross? Sometimes that leads to goals and Andrea's been culpable on a few crucial ones this year.

I would give him a rest, but there's no way Rafa will keep Masch on our bench, methinks. Of course, I wouldn't mind him giving Bellamy a few kicks in the ankle, but I'd like to see Xabi and Stevie in the middle for this one.

Alright, time to find a stream so I don't have to bike home at half or risk those pesky spoiler texts. Come on you Reds.